A Friend In Need?
What is friendship? How do you recognise a true friend?
Due to recent events its a subject ive been forced to consider and its a very difficult thing to pin down. Certainly it proved to be trickier than I thought it would be and that is because there is not just one kind of friendship is there.
There are many kinds of relationships that often fall under an umbrella term of friendship. So I started considering relationships between people. You have your work friends, your school friends, college friends, university friends. Depending on your developmental stage and path in life you will encounter one or more of these relationships. Moving on from those you have friends made through shared interests such as hobbies, crafts, sports etc. These kinds of friendship, interest based, stand alone outside of the developmental friendships. Interest based friendships are more likely to stay with us for life. Then there are friendships born of soulmates. A relationship so precious that we feel a deep connection on a soul level. Outside of these are the peripheral friendships, or aquintances. They serve a purpose more for networking than actual friendship.
So, to summarize there are developmental friendships, Interest based friendships, soulmates and aquintances. Of course that is my opinion and I have tried to take an objective approach.
To me a true friend accepts you as you are, all the bad bits included. You cant cherry pick the qualities of a person. It just doesnt work like that. A true friend does everything possible to help you, to be there for you when you need them most. They never turn their back or give up on you. At least these are the things I consider to be attributes of a true friendship. When I enter into a friendship with someone these are the things I expect to give! In a niave way I thought eveyone else did too!
About a year and a half ago I came to the rescue of a newly ex-girlfriend from a good friend of mine since our college days. They had been together over six years and had bought a house together. She was completely in shock and somehow I ended up with her staying with me for over a week. Before this I’d had little contact with her so it was more a relationship of counseller and client and it took that form more and more and she let out her heart to me in those first few weeks. Some months down the line we had grown closer but her phonecalls to me always revolved around her latest problem as opposed to just wanting to catch up and chat. However, at the time I really didnt mind. She had no contact with her family and only aquintances from work so she needed someone she could pour everything out to.
A year later and little had changed in this friendship except she had become a lot more demanding of me and my time and unfortunately, as is in her nature, suspicious. She became jealous if I mentioned other people and suspicious if I hadnt told her my movements for that week. Her need to control is what damaged the relationship she had come out of the year before though it seemed she had not learnt the lesson in it. So, I backed away a little. I have longterm health problems and have been very ill. Being in a controlling friendship really didnt help my situation. Infact it made it worse. I didnt want to cut ties with her because everybody needs someone, a friend they know will be there for them.
Early in the year her behaviour became far more eratic and unstable. A year and two months on from the split she still believed that “he will come round and realise we should be together”. He had moved on and was with a new patner and very happy but she considered this to be nothing more than him “getting stuff out of his system” and she intended to be there when he had.
Trying to help someone who is clinging to delusions like that is very difficult. As a friend I wanted to help her but was also aware of the effect that the reality check she so badly needed would have. There had recently been an incident where she called me up telling me she wanted to end it all. When I asked her why she said “it would mean I could always be with him”. Something in what she was saying felt ‘off’ so I called her bluff. Some years ago, during the worst of my illness I had attempted an overdose so the psychology of that state of mind was familiar to me. I studied psychology afterwards along with counselling skills to gain better understanding. I hit her with a barrage of questions ranging from how she would do it to wether she had all her finances, etc in check so she wouldnt pass on any debts. She was completely flumoxed and that was the idea. She got angry with me because I “didnt react the way I expected you to!”. To cut a long story short she was hoping for attention. They were still sharing the house so when the phone line went dead I called his mobile line and he went to check she was still ok. Thats what she had been counting on! Hopefully it would scare her ex enough into “realizing he was still in love with me”. I admit to feeling really angry with her for using me in such a cheap way! Especially as she knew I had been through suicidal depression some years before. She’d spared no thought as to how it would effect me and that made me doubt the value she placed on our friendship.
Following this I drew away from her but still kept the lines of communication open. If she needed me I would be there but she had damaged the friendship! Recently I txt her to see how she was doing as I hadnt heard from her in a while. She was livid with me because I hadnt been calling on a regular basis and attacked my ability to be a good friend telling me “this friendship cant all come from me!”. I reminded her of all the times and ways I had helped her and with that argument lost she promptly picked another, then another. Her whole attitude was viscious. It was something I had brought on myself. Last time we had spoken, instead of appeasing her I had given her the truth, all be it a watered down version of that reality check she so badly needed. She had been fuming over it, waiting for me to call and apologise. So, when i’d sent her a txt to see how she was she boiled over.
It was during that last communication when I realised that there never truly, had been a friendship. The dynamics had been wrong from the begining. Not once in all that time had she actually called to see if I was well or not. I never was her friend. I had been her therapist, her counseller. It was a one way friendship but not in the direction she had thought. When I stopped giving what she wanted she was furious. Thats not friendship. Even though her behaviour had been appaling I could have forgiven that but when I realised how little she appreciated and valued what I gave I knew that this relationship had come to the end of the line.
True friendship is a connection between two people. The flow of give and take. The respect for one another as we are and the innate love of a kindred spirit. It is a bond of the heart and a meeting of minds. Something so precious that it must never be taken for granted! The true friend she had claimed to be had never really existed from the start and realising that empowered me to take steps to bring closure on a very stressfull time. And I could do so without feeling any guilt or inability to heal her. The only person who will ever heal her is herself!
Remember to appreciate the friends you have in your life. Show them your love for they are your kindred spirits, the soul mates who carry you on. Honour the bond that binds your souls together in perfect love and perfect trust!
Much Love
Danielle Rush
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